Introduction
I wanted to share this blog called “The day I looked down the barrel of a shotgun” because I feel it offers a real look at how I am as a person and even though I often look and sound like I have all my shit together sometimes I just dont.
Mental health is a complex and multifaceted aspect of our lives. It’s not just a binary issue of “good” or “bad.” Sometimes, it’s a grey area, with moments of both light and darkness. In my life, I’ve experienced the full spectrum of mental health, from the depths of despair to the heights of resilience. Today, I want to share a deeply personal story, a day when I found myself staring down the barrel of a shotgun, and how it reshaped some of my perspectives on mental health.
The Darkest Days
In 2014, I hit rock bottom. Overwhelmed by life’s challenges, I convinced myself that I was not just a failure but entirely worthless. I believed I was the root cause of all problems in my life and that the world would be better off without me. This mindset led me to attempt my own life with a drug overdose. Thankfully, I survived, and this traumatic experience became a turning point in my life.
A New Beginning
From the depths of despair, I began to rebuild my life. I discovered the power of sports, which offered me a supportive network and a sense of belonging. Life started looking up, and it seemed like my mental health was on the mend. However, I soon began to wonder if there would always be a vulnerability, a weakness, lurking beneath the surface. Was it possible for the darkness to resurface?
Triggers and Relapses
Fast forward to November 2022, and life once again took a toll on me. Arguments with my wife, financial struggles in my business, and the weight of my self-doubt pushed me to the edge. I believed that I was the cause of all the problems, and in a moment of despair, I found myself in the attic, holding my shotgunin my hand, I had loaded the barrels with cartridges and I put the barrel to my mouth, I shut my eyes and I clicked off the saftey.
The Turning Point
As I sat in the attic, tears streaming down my face, something clicked in my mind. I thought about the practicalities of my actions, the burden I would leave behind, and the pain my loved ones would endure.
The thoughts driffted to the mess I would leave in the attic, how the funeral directors would get me out and how the place that I grew up in and called home would be tarnished forever.
It was those strange thoughts that tripped me out of my mindset and back into the room. I realised I needed help. I called my best friend, who rushed to my side without hesitation. He became my lifeline, someone who listened without judgment. We went for a drive and chatted, I felt numb to the core but after those few hours I was atleast back into a state of calm.
Seeking Help and Removing Triggers
In the aftermath of that harrowing experience, I decided to take a proactive step toward my mental health. I sold my shotguns, removing a potential trigger from my life. But more importantly, I acknowledged the importance of seeking help and reaching out to friends and family in times of crisis. I started to talk to my wife but also trying to understand that she can’t be expected to bare all of my troubles as well as her own. Its a balance!
Understanding Mental Health on a Spectrum
Mental health is not a one-size-fits-all concept. It exists on a spectrum, with varying degrees of well-being. It’s essential to recognise that not every struggle with mental health leads to a life-threatening situation like the one I faced. However, it’s equally crucial to take all mental health issues seriously and provide the necessary support and resources. However, I feel we also should take our own responsability for our health and manage the wher we are on the spectrum between feeling Sad and wanting to blow your brains out with a shotgun.
A Holistic Approach
We must approach mental health with a holistic mindset. It’s not merely about identifying problems; it’s about equipping individuals with the tools and coping mechanisms to navigate life’s challenges. While it’s crucial to raise awareness about mental health issues, we must also emphasise the importance of understanding one’s place on the mental health spectrum and developing personalised strategies for resilience.
Conclusion
My journey through the abyss of mental health taught me that there is hope even in the darkest of moments. I’ve learned to respect and understand my own mental health, to seek help when needed, and to remove potential triggers from my life. By sharing my story, I hope to contribute to a broader conversation about mental health, emphasising the importance of a holistic approach that goes beyond merely labeling individuals as “mentally ill.” Together, we can create a world where everyone has the support and tools they need to find their path to resilience and recovery. But, I also feel the responsibility lays with us all.